i don't know what's right and what's real anymore

i don't know how i'm meant to feel anymore

ok so i know this picture looks completely retarded because i have half my hair on my head like a five year old and my eyeliner is smudged… basically i’m home for the weekend and i borrowed my mum’s makeup cos it’s really good and expensive and i wanted to try it before i bought my own and spent loads of money only to find out it was shit (it was really good btw but it looks shit here cos i started crying) so yeah i did my makeup to try my mum’s stuff out and wanted to take a picture seeing as i thought i looked ADORBZ but then i started talking to a friend about something and before i knew it i was in tears having a total breakdown and i just need to rant about it so i thought why not rant here…
basically i’m just so sick and fed up.. mainly with myself and the way people interact with me because of the way they assume i am. it’s difficult to explain but i think it stems from how insecure i am and the fact that i act overly confident to make up for the fact that the way i feel is less than adequate. and when i drink it makes me doubly over confident… because i feel like when other people drink they get more confident and they’re catching up with me and i’m just going back to being regular and shit and nothing special, and i don’t want that, i want to stand out, that definitely stems from the fact i’m an only child with a single mum so we always had each other’s attention and having to share it with others just doesn’t compute with me, i understand as i grow older that needs to change but when alcohol is involves my drunk sloppy mind doesn’t seem to be able to understand that. so i drink more to make sure i’m still one step ahead of everyone which obviously results in me making TERRIBLE decisions because i’m so drunk my brain isn’t functioning right. but i’m sort of over all that stuff because i’m hoping a new year at uni will bring a fresh start and people will allow me to start again with a blank canvas, provided i don’t fuck up again. but what i’m really scared of is that people won’t give me a millionth chance and they’ll just forget about me. the fact i’m living in town with someone who hates me doesn’t help… like he’ll never be at the flat because i imagine he’ll want to be a million miles away from me (who wouldn’t?!) so i’ll be totally cut off from everyone and i feel like it’ll give people the excuse to make plans without me and if i find out and bring it up they can be like “oh well we bumped into each other in ally court and decided to go do something and it was totally spur of the moment so we didn’t think to ask you” and i’ll be like.. oh.. alright. or like they’ll go for food on campus and won’t ask me cos they think “well we’re only popping to the studio for dinner it’s not a big thing we don’t need to invite people it’s just a whoever is around kind of thing” and obviously i won’t be around because i’ll be 2 miles away in town… like i’m going to miss out on so much. and yeah okay maybe i’m exaggerating and i will get invited to nights out and parties but the last minute plans (which usually turn out to be the best) i’ll miss out on. and i hate the thought of that! and i’m going to hate living it even more. 
i’m also really bothered about my weight at the moment but i’m going to try sososososososooooo hard to change it. i really really hope i don’t give up this time! i’ve got my goal and everything planned out and if i just lose a simple 2lbs a week i can do it easy peasy, i reckon 2lbs a week shouldn’t be that hard if i stick to my meal plans? this is literally the longest pile of shit ever combined with a stupid weird selfie but i just needed a rant and it feels like a weight has been lifted now i’ve written this… no point reading lol, please drop me a message if you do read it though… even on anon just to let me know that someone’s read this far and cares this much about my silly rants! 
(i wanted to add a read more break but it wouldn’t let me on a picture…)


not my words.

yes omg thank you for making this SOMEONE FIND OUT WHO HB IS SO I CAN LOVE THEM

omfg this is so unrealistically suited to my situation,
you need to get your head out of your own arse because it drives me insane,
although it is slightly sexy,
but no. you’re a twat…


Posted 9 Apr